Dialogue vs. Divalogue: Listening for Greater Impact as a Speaker

Posted February 6, 2013

We often make the mistake of choosing the wrong communication approach. In conflict, we orate. When expressing a point of view, we need too much consent from the audience. When negotiating we assume agreement when we don’t have it. We say we invite learning but we leave no opening for the other’s individual expression. We talk too much and don’t listen enough in groups. In other words, we pretend dialogue and act like divas!

You’ve probably heard this before: Listening is different from hearing. In fact, the hearing may be the key to great communication. While most of us focus on self-expression and getting our ideas across better, focusing on real listening is the key to hearing fresh ideas and perspectives. In an article in Psychology Today, psychologist Sherrie Bourge Carter reminds us that “The best listeners recognize that they cannot succeed without seeking out information from those around them and they let those people know that they have unique input that is valuable.”

I think of basic interpersonal communication in two categories: Dialogue and Individual Expression.

Female and Male Business people engaging in dialog

Dialogue vs Individual Expression

A. Dialogue is two-way communication and is important

To work effectively as a team
To understand others’ needs and desires
In situations of conflict
In negotiations
To invite learning
For co-operative communication

B. Individual Expression is used in solo situations

To lecture to or educate another
To express a point of view where a dialogue is not required
To perform as an actor
In oration or in business presentations when describing what we have to sell.
To communicate as a dictator or diva

Consider your conversations today

Do you actually hear what others are saying or do you drift off and only hear part? Do you focus on waiting for your chance to speak? Do you let the other(s) know that you have heard them? Conversely, when you give a presentation do you look for agreement or acceptance from the audience rather than boldly stating your point of view? On a stage or podium are you more concerned with what the listeners think of you than how you can make a difference in their lives? If so, you can see what I mean when I say we are often confused about the appropriate style of communication.

Start with dialogue

With the current interest in collaboration, learning dialogue skills may be the most important focus for 2013. It starts with listening, and we should all be excited about that! Here are some resources for better listening:

A TED video: 5 Ways to Listen Better, with Julian Treasure
A rich resource with articles and links: Active Listening, a page on the retired International Online Training Program On Intractable Conflict
And a study to be downloaded: Listening and Leadership: A Study on their Relationship, submitted to the National Fire Academy, Executive Officer Program

If you know of other such resources, please let me know. And please let us all know what you have learned about this topic. Leave a comment.

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communication, dialogue, listening